Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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