I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
