She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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