I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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