he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Less talking, more tequila
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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