I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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