I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
