what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
