I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize