grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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