So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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