I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
