Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
