On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
