I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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