He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
