My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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