What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We need to get me chipped asap
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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