you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
