Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
