i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
