How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
this hospital has no fireball
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize