Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
