Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
