my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize