So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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