i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
