getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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