I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
