My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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