i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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