We won't sleep together?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
