She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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