i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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