I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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