ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think I won the penis lottery.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
