I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
