At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize