I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
