I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Boobs speak an international language.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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