Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We had to coat check the pizza.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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