my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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