If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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