my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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