you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
