I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
