If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
