He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
