There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
