You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
