Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
