I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He better not be in your backpack
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
