I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize