My liver just broke up with me...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
