We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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