I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
