I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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