We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
