He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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