Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
