My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
