I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
