Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This baby is an asshole
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
How naked do you want me to be?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
