This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
