he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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