we have pet lesbian snakes
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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