a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
