Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize