Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
