I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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