just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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